Feelings

I often joke about being an emotional robot but it's only sort of a joke. I grew up in great fear of showing feelings because it wasn't a safe thing to do + I needed to craft a steady presence in the face of aggressions, racial or otherwise. However (and unfortunately learned through further experience and missteps), because bottling shit up ranks high among the terrible things you can do for yourself and your relationships, I have been working actively as an adult on connecting with my feelings. For example, I have an emotions chart in my office so I can work on finding nuance beyond anger. I have been to therapy. I have found safe people with whom to cry my eyes out.

Today I was on my yoga mat for a short 18 minute practice, and I cried for approximately 17.5 of those minutes. This is not a red alert post; big picture everything is fine...we are safe, healthy, and our basics needs are being met. But wow, FEELINGS. I have found myself praying more than I ever have in the last week -- for people I know are hurting, for situations large and small that are completely out of my control, even for animals. In years past, I would have been like, "Christine, get your shit together! You are all about helping people find ways to be less overwhelmed in their lives so DO THAT."

Well, I am here to say that you can be both. You can find yourself in moments of overwhelm and exhaustion and deep, painful feelings AND look for those things to give you a reprieve from the tears. Today is another day and after rolling up my mat, taking a scalding hot shower, and saying hello to my feelings, I'm ready to try again. And I'm wearing a protective crystal because it was given to me by someone who loves me whether I'm kicking ass or a complete hot mess.