On My Ass

Fell on my ass this week -- emotionally yesterday, physically today.

Yesterday I questioned my fitness as a parent and also my cognitive state when -- despite writing down where I needed to take Violet for an after school field trip -- I drove to the wrong place across town, and then we needed to do the panicked drive to get to the right place in order to catch the bus. I haven't had that OH SHIT I AM ABOUT TO SERIOUSLY FUCK THIS UP feeling in a while. It is not pleasant.

I beat myself up FOR HOURS (basically, until I picked Vi up several hours later and apologized and she told me I am too hard on myself ). And it really bothered me that my brain was so scattered that it short circuited on basic details.

As timing worked out, a few weeks ago Jon and I put a morning local ski outing on the calendar today. For me this was part proactive mental health and also, when we were at Sunday River a few weeks ago I had a technical breakthrough right before we left and I wanted to try to solidify it in my muscle memory sooner rather than later.

After my extensive self-flagellation yesterday, those 3 hours skiing couldn't have come at a better time. I looked at all of the breathing and extending my gaze (beyond the traditional computer distance) and tuning into my physical mechanics as a way to push the holistic reset button.

And then, in a rare moment of trying to be aggressive and speed up, I caught an edge, wiped out, and fell on my ass -- really, really hard. I am pretty sure I will have a giant bruise on my left butt cheek tomorrow. I am hobbling and groaning.

Life is humbling. And it's all about falling and getting back up again.